US - HUMOR

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Three Ministers.........

Three ministers, a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned. The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it had reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH, MY GOD!"

After nearly a minute of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

To which a passenger seated in the back of the aircraft shouted out, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" **

IRAQ vs VIETNAM   (check for similarities)

Cabal of oldsters who won't listen to outside advice?

No understanding of ethnicities of the many locals?

Imposing country boundaries drawn by Europeans, not by the locals?

Unshakeable faith in our superior technology?

France secretly hoping we fall on our butts?

Russia secretly hoping we fall on our butts?

China secretly hoping we fall on our butts?

Secretary of Defense pushing a conflict the Joint Chiefs of Staff never wanted?

Fear we'll look bad if we back down now?

Corrupt Texan in the White House?

Land war in Asia?

Right-wing unhappy with outcome of previous war?

Enemy easily moves in/out of neighboring countries?

Soldiers about to be dosed with "our own" chemicals?

Friendly-fire problem ignored instead of solved?

Anti-Americanism up sharply in Europe?

B-52 bombers?

Helicopters that clog up on the local dust?

In-fighting among the branches of the military?

Locals who cheer us by day, hate us by night?

Local experts ignored?

Local politicians ignored?

Locals accustomed to conflicts lasting longer than USA has been a country?

Against advice, Prez won't raise taxes to pay for war?

Blue-water navy ships operating in brown water?

Use of nukes hinted at if things don't go our way?

"Regrettable" civilian casualties?

Unpopular war?

VIETNAM II: YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF

This is from a newspaper contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick.

Here are the three winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky.

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.

'Twas "Hail to the Chief",

On this flute made of beef,

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

Let's not leave clues like Kaczynski.

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress.

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,

What Kaczynski must surely have known.

That an intern is better,

Than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown.

silly humor . . .

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It,

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?

Dam!

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?

A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

What Do You Get  From A Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?

Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill

3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
G. Gordon Liddy

5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan (1986)

10. I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

11. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
P.J. O'Rourke

12. If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.  If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

13. In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

14. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
Pericles (430 B.C.)

15. No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

16. Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
(Unknown)

17. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

18. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
Winston Churchill

19. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

20. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21. There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
Mark Twain

22. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995